It’s been 4 1/2 months since I learned about one of the most devastating and heart wrenching events in my life. The physical encounter. The day my husband of almost 4 years decided to hop on a train, cross state lines, and visit the woman, a colleague he had been carrying on an emotional affair with for a few months prior. I won’t go into details because frankly, I’m working so fucking hard at healing these wounds and I’m at a place where sharing any more vulnerability besides the preceding lines would be too much to bear at this moment in time.
I think we can all agree that many of us were not our best selves during this pandemic. It’s challenged everything that we are as humans, with emotion and grit, and it’s definitely stretched many of us thinner than we could ever imagine. There is beauty in that, I now know. The months following have been brutal. I’ve been furious, projecting, and resentful. I haven’t felt safe and protected as I once did. The promise of love and commitment shattered before my eyes.
But, what I will say is this. Sometimes we stay stagnant and mindlessly go through the motions. We feel like we have control in life because we are, like I said above, “handling” things. But, where is the development and depth in that with ourselves and our partnerships? It’s easy to do things solo and cohabitate. It’s easy to walk by each other without a glance or putting a hand out to touch when you’ve been around each other everyday, all day. This is how we lose. We lose intimacy, we lose connection, we lose communication and joy. And now, four months later, I’ve made a discovery: that when two people have had their foundation shaken up, earthquake style, and decide together that they want to hang in there together and work on reconciliation, intimacy, respect and trust, and they actually do it, that is when we open up and allow the light to shine within and heal. That’s where I am today.
Totally unfathomable a few months ago, but with time comes clarity and forgiveness. Not the words “I’ll forgive you,” but the small actions and acts of service, or the physical touch that literally brings your soul back to life. Those too, are signs of forgiveness.
This was 100% trauma, no doubt. I’ve added it to my laundry list and I must say, this has been the toughest. But, I can say with certainty, that I am so proud of myself. I’ve communicated feelings without holding back. I’ve stayed true to my value system by creating hard boundaries and I don’t feel like I have to compromise. And, I’m saying these things to someone who hears me and validates me.
Sometimes, life’s greatest tragedies become life’s greatest blessings. Listen, I don’t wish that kind of mental anguish and physical sickness on anyone — but I do know that our capacity as humans is far greater than we can ever imagine, and we are so freaking capable of overcoming and excelling in every relationship which follows. Most importantly, the one with ourselves.