In the book Alice through the Looking Glass, Alice finds herself on a chess board with the White and Red Queens; they explain to her that she must run as fast as she can if she wishes to stay in the same place and twice as fast if she expects to go anywhere …
since my husband’s death in September of 2018, I feel I have been doing just that … I was running as fast as I could just to find myself in exactly the same place of grief and despair & the world seemed to be passing me at lightning speed
I settled Dennis’s affairs,
cared for my mom until, after a second fall in six months it became clear I could not leave her on her own during the the day and I was not physically strong enough to lift her and care for at home anymore so I had to find an assisted living facility
I did not make enough to stay in my house and needed to sell it
I had to get the house ready keep running
I had to find somewhere new keep running
I had to go through all of our things what to keep what to let go
I had to go through all of my mom’s things
No matter how hard I ran or willed myself through the valley I was in
I always found myself in the same place …and the world kept speeding by
When the state shut down I was hopeful that the world would slow down enough that I could catch my breath … that I would be able to find my place in it again
But I came to realize, healing is not of the world nor is it man made; it is God breathed so I inhale His words of promise …
To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair.
And so I wait for the spiritual spackle to set and to be whole once more.