Barely hanging on. Yes. But for me, it’s like I have told a million of our patients: it’s often after a crisis that another wave of trauma is experienced. Or like those people who lift cars up to save someone — they do what has to be done — but then are in the hospital for a week. Things are shifting (vaccinations, less social isolation, some accountability for George Floyd, Biden in office)! But now that there are rays of goodness and relief shining through, now I can actually process the last number of years. I am not barely hanging on anymore. But, I am using ALL the energy and space and time I now have available to process what happened, to recover and to orient myself to a new normal which is still not light and easy. We have family relationships that have forever changed because of politics, there is still so much work to be done, and scary and unjust things keep happening.

I am not saying this in a “poor me” or “I am not okay” way … I am factually saying I am forever transformed and have only enough gas in my tank to fuel my immediate needs and relationships. In some ways I feel I have found myself again and am and will be hunkered down inside myself and with my family indefinitely. Factually, I don’t know if or when I will ever again have the energy to turn outward again, and I am not even bothered by that. It’s not depression, it’s more like depletion/decomposition and regrowth (still under the soil), all happening at the same time. I have reserves anymore … so.often now I have nothing left to give.

Does that make sense?

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